Spiritual bypass or spiritual bypassing is a "tendency to use spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional issues, psychological wounds, and unfinished developmental tasks". The term was introduced in the mid 1980s by John Welwood, a Buddhist teacher and psychotherapist. (source: Wikipedia)
It is safe to say, that people are coming and going from our lives, and just few of them stay. And that's totally fine. In time, we learn that to maintain a meaningful friendship it takes time and energy, and this resources vary, depending on the phases of our lives.
What I want to adress in this article is not necessarly why they might go, but how, and how this impacts us.
In 2018 a conflict that seemed minor, with my best friend in that time, opened up a bunch of resentment and hate, she was piling up over the years, that shocked me to such an extent that it took me years to integrate, and as a result, I have become of lone wolf.
But I was longing for a pack.
Last year I opened my heart again, and joined an enthusiastic group of young women, and we soon started to collaborate, for what I thought to be creating a community, holding space for each other and others, for healing, connection and growth.
We had a commun vision, yet different ways of approaching it. Totally fine, diversity matters, I said.
Very short after, as soon as I expressed my vulnerability : my x on the map, my inner struggles, and a desire for more authentic relating - as opposed to getting to know each other from Instagram stories - I was met with unrequested/inappropriate advices, Influencer type of speech, I don't have time for this, or total silence.
From 8 space holders only one women proposed me a listening space.
After this episode, the athmosphere in the group became dense and nobody addresed it, so I soon left the group, without any notice. 1 month later, one of them reacted to that.
All though authenticity and sisterhood were praised consistently on their social media, in real life, the way we connected with each other was not quite feeling "real", neither authentic. The same type of "we keep in touch and then ignoring messages" saying they don't have time, while being hooked on their social media.
All together, it seemed to me a constant copy/paste of all that spiritual content that sells right now.
And I get it, we resonate and we want to share it further, it's ok. But for me something was missing, like there was no depth, just pretty pictures.
Funny enough, we were all working with cacao "for opening our heart"and ëuthentic connection", but the main focus was on growing the IG page, gaining followers and sell as much cacao as possible in the name of "supporting the indigenous community" in Guatemala.
So I asked my self hello, Im here and need some support! and what about our neighbours - how are they really feeling? Before going overseas, while the neighbors house might be burning, why not acting locally?
It was quite a disspointing experience for me,all those big words, yet so much emptiness. So when I noticed I started to doubt myself and my own expectations - I stopped for a minute and asked myself - are my expectations for transparency, for honesty, and vulenrability, for a listening space for each other or having the crucial conversation when needed, instead of pretending - too much of a standard right now? Isn't this what holding space, building up a community actually about?
Or is the mainstream media and the spiritual market place thtat IG has become, dramatically lowering the standards of connection and sisterhood?
On the surface was all shiny and beatiful. But I was looking for the messiness and rawness of what it means to be human. I was looking for emotional support and true belonging, while they seemd to be looking for building up their IG business and reaching out "x figures" and "financial abundance" because "you can't pour from an empty cup".
Which I highly disagree with. We can help each other in other ways even if we are not earning x figures, kidness and consideration cost us nothing.
So yes, our necessities in the moment were very different, and I hold full responsibility for what happend to me.
Because I dishonored myself by acting outside my integrity, in order to belong and fit it.
I was so much longing for connection, that I became adaptive - I have said yes, when it was no, I remained silent to comfrot the group, I disconnected from my feelings in the now, I adopted wishful thinking, I adapted to their definition of success and their strategies to achieve that - in other words, I totally played the game.
I wasn't authentically relating to them.
But what happen was way more tragic than it seemed to be - I was constantly giving my center and my authority away.
I told myself stories "trust them, they know what they are doing" while ignoring my inner wisdom.
And when I noticed what is happening, I hod voices like "there is no point, they will not understand me" or ït was all for nothing, I have wasted my time."
All this so that the innevitable happens anyway - another low drama experience ending in full disconnection and confusion.
Beside the time, energy and love invested into it and seeing it all falling appart, as soon as I assesed my needs, was both liberating - I finally got my center and connected with myself - and heartbreaking, somehow, I wished I knew better, and could have had avoided the rough disconnection.
I wish we all knew better, and could be there for each other, holding space and go through emotional healing processes together - the lack of transparency, vulnerability and connection, left me thinking they have it all sorted out, while I'm so messy.
I felt alone.
I surely learned a lot from this experience and comforted myself that next time, I will know better.
And indeed, next encounter I had with another woman from this spiritual community, with whom I connected and started co-hosting a montly event, I did remember to embody my center and authentically connect to her - but very short after, there was a growing sense of competition arising and she started to give her center away.
I recognised the pattern and I wanted to address it - I made myself vulnerable and told her the stories I am making and how I feel realting to her, but she could not do the same , and she energetically blocked me and played the 'it's all in your head' game.
She could see the situation escalating, towards disconnection and she did not do anything to stop it - she was there smiling and taking no stand for vulnerability and connection. Yet in the moment I cancelled our plans as it was clear to me we can't collaborate if we are not vulnerable and honest with eachother, the moment I walked out the door, she publicly tried to humiliate me portarying herself as a victim.
Her last words to me were "thank you for proving to me one more time that women can not be trusted."
I felt extremly sad - quite heartbreaking to realise that her sister wound went so deep, that she could not open herself to another woman.
Instead of a mature and nourishing collaboration, this too was standing as an evidence that there is a real lack of trust and meaningful collaborations between women, with depth and honesty.
So I am here to learn how to heal this wond, together, to have this conversation and all those which might arise, and find new ways of being as a women and between women, where thriving and community can happen.
Thank you for reading me.
With love,
Lumi
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